Albert Sims (albert71292) wrote,
Albert Sims

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Last Weeks Major News Headlines (For Lack of a Better Post)...

1. Constitution translated for kids without the Latinisms, thereofs and hereins; Ashcroft asks for even easier-to-understand version without confusing "rights"
2. American children are more obese than ever, but far less violent and far less likely to get pregnant than most people think; "they're too slow to fight and too fat to fuck," explains expert
3. Medical students to be tested on bedside manner; "At the slightest hint of compassion, we will chuck them right out of school," promises AMA
4. Clownfish can change sex, size; "in that way they resemble Italian women before and after marriage," notes amateur biologist from New Jersey
5. JFK's boxers sell for $5,000; JFK, Jr.'s boxers sell for only $50, despite coming with a live lobster and some fish
6. James Hewitt declares that Princess Diana was "good in bed"; "She even moved once," brags Brit
7. Antidepressant may help compulsive shoppers; "we're having a sale on the new wonder drug now!" says pharmacist poised to make a killing
8. Caribbean coral reefs are vanishing; "of course they are - they are surrounded by islands filled with black people," explains marine biologist trained at Bob Jones University
9. French government bans the term "e-mail" in official correspondence; "We surrender" to remain acceptable
10.Popocatepetl volcano coats Mexico City in ash; fortunately, the city's 15 million leaf blowers clean up the mess within hours
11.Idi Amin lapses into coma; family gathers at hospital and brings 'the good silverware'
12.Cosmonaut to marry in space; clever Russian credited with finding loophole in "Not if you were the last man on Earth" curse
13.Elderly California man who drove through crowd at outdoor market killing and injuring dozens made first public statement in church, saying "Is this where I go to pay my taxes?"
14.Founder of Campus Crusade for Christ dies at 81, deranged well-wishers demand family holds off funeral for 3 days "just in case"
15.Recession ended in November 2001 says panel; "Hmm, that's about the same time I lost my job," notes unconvinced telcom worker still waiting to be rehired

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