2. Iraqi shepherd sues Rumsfeld; "Apparently, they are taking to Western culture faster than we anticipated," beams Secretary of Defense
3. Bill Clinton made $9.1 million giving speeches last year; "it sounds bad, but that was only about .50 cents a word," explains long-winded former President
4. Keating resigns from national panel investigating sex abuse scandals after causing outrage by comparing Catholic Church to the Mafia; "We were very offended," states Cosa Nostra spokesman
5. Investigators discover new Space Shuttle flaw; "They actually fly these things into space!"
6. Army searches Iraq city for arms; "it's almost as bad as Los Angeles," says horrified sergeant
7. Teens who saw anti-drug ads at least once a day were 40% less likely to try methamphetamine; "on down side, they were watching waaaaaay too much TV"
8. Is laughter the best medicine for Diabetes? Yakoff Smirnov hopes the answer is yes!
9. James Gandolfini shares Sopranos' profits with cast; warns them that "someday, and this day may never come, I may ask for a favor in return"
10.Hatfields and McCoys sign truce - "historic document will be displayed in our house," says Hatfield spokesman; "No, our house!" corrects McCoy patriarch
11.Czechoslovakian citizens vote to enter European Union; "That's right," beams EU spokesman, "We now take Czechs!"
12.Bea Arthur joins PETA rally in Florida, PETA spokesperson comments, "It's like having 3 celebrities in one! She's Bea Arthur, she has the voice of James Earl Jones, and she has the moustache of Geraldo Rivera"