Albert Sims (albert71292) wrote,
Albert Sims

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Last Week's Major News Headlines

1. Study finds exposure to violence on TV can lead kids to become more violent as adults; exposure to "Designing for the Sexes" can lead kids to become gay interior decorators
2. Elizabeth Smart's kidnapper allegedly wanted wives; "He didn't need to kidnap anyone... I would gladly have given him mine," snorts New Jersey man
3. Saddam proclaims that his troops are ready to fight the US "anywhere in the world"; "although we'd prefer it not be in Iraq," admits Iraqi private sitting in trench near border
4. Spring break not curbed by war, economy; some partygoers still report widespread fear of "fat chicks"
5. Male Sweat may brighten women's moods; "I'm glad she's happy," sneers Florida husband mowing the lawn
6. Children who equate happiness with money, beauty or fame are more likely to suffer from depression; "unless they're fabulously wealthy, famous and good-looking like us," beam remarkably upbeat Olsen twins
7. Contraceptive sponge going back on the markets; Contraceptive mop still outlawed
8. Century-long dry spell linked to Mayans' demise; "that's a long time to go without being laid," commiserates New York City man with absolutely no idea about how food makes its way from the earth to a restaurant
9. Universe may be shaped like a donut; Scientists warn that we keep Al Roker away from it
10. 350,000-year-old footprints found; "They appear to be Bruno Mali," says OJ Simpson, investigating a bizarre new angle in his continuing search for the real killer

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