Albert Sims (albert71292) wrote,
Albert Sims
albert71292

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News Headlines From The Past Week(For Those That Missed Them)

1. Despite New Year's festivities, New York City man with undescended testicle still waiting for the ball to drop
2. Hubble telescope uses new technique to weigh faraway planet; "we are still unable to assess the precise mass of larger objects, such as Rosie O'Donnell" admits scientist
3. China to mass-produce AIDS drugs; in clinical studies Chinese versions succeed in making Kaposi's sarcomas go away, but they return one hour later
4. Point/Counterpoint: Underage binge drinking a growing problem, or growing opportunity?
5. Orangutans show signs of culture; "They use napkins, say goodnight, and most importantly, do not root for the Jets," explains researcher
6. Obesity still increasing in US; "all we can do is hand out more 'No Fat Chicks' bumper stickers and pray," states CDC director
7. Bush says US ready for war if needed; "heck, we're good to go even if it isn't needed," beams President
8. And now for something completely different - Monty Python director Ian MacNaughton dead at 76
9. Back-to-back suicide bombings kill 23 in Tel Aviv; Hamas set sights on a "Three-peat"
10.Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne renew their wedding vows on TV; unintelligible promises apparently include something about having, holding and getting the fucking dog out of here
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