July 8th, 2003

drink coffee

Headlines Of The Week Redux....

1. Female suicide bombers kill 16 in Moscow rock concert; "if the Chechens really want to do some damage, we are worried that they will hire Great White," says concerned official
2. Bush prepares for his first trip to Africa; consults Ted Danson on the best way of putting on blackface
3. Scientists find possible happiness center in brain; "it's very near the 'threesome' zone," notes neurologist
4. Martina Navratilova wins Wimbledon mixed doubles championship; "To be fair, her team wasn't quite as 'mixed' as the others," grumbles sore loser
5. Nation's birth rate falls to record low; "if it weren't for Latina high-schoolers, our nation would completely disappear by the year 2040," notes census chief
6. Space Vacation may be yours for just $20 million, and a 90-minute weightless presentation on the advantages of owning a time-share
7. Lesbians slightly more likely to suffer from common cause of infertility - polycystic ovarian syndrome; Lesbians much more likely to suffer from less common cause of female infertility - hatred of penises
8. Scientists create human "She-Male" embryos, horrifying anti-abortionists; "On the bright side, this is a great day for Cher impersonators," notes ethicist
9. Toronto removed from SARS list; still ranked #2 on "boring places no should ever bother visiting" list, just behind Albany, NY
10.3 out of 4 fourth graders were unable to name which branch of government passes laws (answer: it's the Elders of Zion)
11.Teens' minds are wired for cheap thrills; "Just call me young at heart," whispers New Jersey man peering into a women's locker room through a tiny peephole
12.Giant mass of slimy flesh that washed up on a beach in Chile may be a rare giant octopus, or discarded whale blubber; "or it may be that Rosie O'Donnell has taken a vacation south of the border - until it speaks, we may never know"
13.Nation's birth rate falls to record low; Shaneequa Washington's birthrate remains constant at 1 a year
14.Male biological clock is ticking too; "but it does come equipped with a snooze alarm," says happily single 40-year-old illustrator
15.AIDS death toll could reach 70 million by 2020; "Alas, I'm not that worried about it," sighs pimply-faced heterosexual with a bad job and a shit car who's still living in mother's basement
16.FDA approves first once-daily HIV drug; hopes to make it chewable by 2006
17.77% of Spanish people plan in advance when they will have sex; to 1% of this group, however, planning includes picking out their favorite dark alley, as well as their knife of choice

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