June 10th, 2003

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Once Again...Last Weeks News Headlines...

1. Barry Manilow breaks nose after walking into a wall; "it didn't hurt as much as the metaphorical Wall that my career hit about 20 years ago," says singer
2. More than 7,000 people get nude for "installation art" piece in Barcelona; New Jersey "artist" begins planning installation show to take place in his basement rec room
3. Hillary Clinton rules out a Presidential bid in 2008; American public expected to rule out her bid in 2012
4. Mexican beach opening "Plus-size-friendly" beach resort; "it's a great place for whale-watching," says Master of the Obvious
5. "2 Fast 2 Furious" tops box office; Americans "2 lazy 2 dumb" to watch anything better
6. Prostate cancer test merits repeating; "and repeating and repeating and repeating," says health-conscious San Franciscan
7. NASA delays sending Rover to Mars; "We've decided to let Jimmy take over," states Classic-Rock-Loving administrator
8. New gloves to better protect healthcare workers; "will not, however, replace the 10-foot pole that is used in the worst cases," says doctor
9. Las Vegas gives up on being a "family fun center"; "We've moved back to our traditional definition of 'family fun' - incestuous roleplay with underage hookers," says Mayor
10. US says Iraq hid banned weapons well; "Heck, maybe they hid them in Iran, or Syria! We should keep looking!" insists Rumsfeld
11.1 in 20 women get Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome from childbirth; "So that's why my wife is always yelling out that she wants to 'kill Charlie,'" states New Jersey man named Charles
12.People suffering from pathological boredom can get relief only from intense excitement; "maybe they should try Minesweeper," states office manager helpfully
13.Al-Qaeda blamed for Afghan Car bomb; Still no word on what group responsible for "Daddy Day Care"
14.Survey finds British wine drinkers prefer corked bottles to screw-cap wine, study authenticity questioned after revealing vagrants, convicts, and parliament members were never invited to participate
15.California pot grower receives sentence of one day in jail; "But it seemed like four or five days, and I was really hungry the whole time"
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    amused amused
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(no subject)

Oooh...just read in the new TV Guide that "Seinfeld" will be coming to DVD soon...no exact date yet, but Jerry is collaborating on "bonus materials" and "outtakes" for the set....gotta get that when it's released!
  • Current Mood
    impressed impressed
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It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound yet. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain wakes up and figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
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    "Hair" on Showtime Next