May 28th, 2003

drink coffee

Last Weeks News Headlines (for those who missed anything)....

1. Report blasts NJ child welfare agency; says it routinely put children at risk by allowing them to remain in New Jersey
2. German study finds that weekend exercise does a heart good; "Even killing Jews for a half-hour can really improve your health," notes German doctor
3. One in Five Americans thinks there's a secret AIDS vaccine; "but the government only gives it to people who don't have sex," explains New Jersey conspiracy theorist
4. Israel's Sharon defends the "Road Map" for peace; admits that it is a bitch to re-fold
5. Many 9/11 victims haven't applied to fund; "apparently being crushed to death by a falling skyscraper hurts your ability to fill out forms," notes administrator
6. Oregon mulls kidney transplant for death-row inmate; "I guess we'll get it back pretty quickly," says doctor
7. Aging Space Shuttle fleet may be too old to continue flying, will take up golf
8. Final annotated manuscript of Beethoven's 9th symphony sells for $3.47 million; margins include comments like "play it louder!" and "I wonder what this part sounds like"
9. Scientists report a 90% decline in large predatory fish; law schools promise to restock world's oceans
10.Condom manufacturer says Turkish men have tendency to exaggerate the size of their penises; "Maybe - but they sure feel big when they're deep inside my ass," notes unhappy goat
11.Bush states "U.S. does not forget" in Memorial Day speech; later struggles to remember when War of 1812 began
12.Meryl Streep challenges University of New Hampshire graduates to "read more for fun, especially poetry"; University of Arkansas challenges graduates to "read more for practice, especially big words"
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