May 6th, 2003

drink coffee

Last weeks news headlines....

1. Pope canonizes five new Spanish saints; reminds cheering throngs that not all water is holy, it can be used to wash too
2.New Hampshire's "Old Man of the Mountain," a rock outcropping that looked like a man's face, falls off; "now it reminds me of Michael Jackson," says horrified visitor
3.Experiment turns mouse stem cells into eggs; revolutionary technique has profound implications for therapeutic cloning, Grand Slam Breakfasts
4. Whites-only prom party planned in Georgia; "the quality of the dancing may suffer," admits senior on planning committee
5.Panel finds that writing skills have been neglected in school reform; "Today's students don't even know how to properly begin a letter to Penthouse Forum!" says outraged educator who never thought this could happen to him
6.Whites-only prom party planned in Georgia; dress code to be formal pillowcases and sheets, party refreshments to consist only of crackers
7.Traffic pollution shown to damage sperm quality in tollbooth attendants; the prospect of harvesting sperm from tollbooth attendants turns generation of young girls away from science
8. "Miracle Worms" found alive in Space Shuttle wreckage, promptly vivisected
9. San Francisco holds 2nd annual "masturbate-a-thon" for charity; Inspired New Jersey man vows to cure cancer singlehandedly
10. Strip club trip gets Alabama coach fired for bringing dishonor to the University; "No Alabama man should ever have to pay for sex -- not so long as his sisters are alive!" states indignant Dean.

Courtesy National Lampoon Newsletter
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