March 25th, 2003

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Last Weeks Major News Headlines...

1. March Madness begins; US looks good against Iraq, but will have to face North Korea to advance to the Sweet 16
2. 1.7 billion people in the world are obese; "the real tragedy is that there are only about 3 job openings for jolly weatherman," notes epidemiologist
3. Bush demands that American POWs get humane treatment; "We can guarantee that they will be treated as well as any prisoner in Texas," chuckles Iraqi guard ominously
4. White men still outearn other groups; continue to lag far behind in jumping ability
5. Ticketmaster creator Robert Leonard dead at 70; scalpers offer front-pew seating at funeral for $1500
6. New clues on how HIV evades antibodies found; "apparently the virus convinces White Blood cells that the immune system is just going through an 'experimental' phase"
7. Army says that Sergeant who threw grenades into tent had an "attitude problem;" Other psychological profiling reveals that Hitler was not a "morning person"
8. Presidential reading program launched; "We hope to have Bush at a 3rd grade level by his next term in office," says hopeful educator
9. US life expectancy tops 77 years; "That's 11 in my years," barks Rosie O'Donnell
10.Celebrity suicides are 14 times more likely to prompt copycat suicides; unfortunately the copycats are not likely to be celebrities
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