March 11th, 2003

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Recent News Headlines...

1. Hamas strongman killed in Israeli attack; "We will be going after the bearded lady next," warns Sharon
2. At least 54 rapes may have taken place at the US Air Force Academy over the past ten years; "We might as well be holding our classes at the Kennedy compound" says outraged general
3. Florida mom gives birth to her third child at 3:33 on 3/3/03; "If necessary, we will intervene to stop her from having a sixth child," says Vatican spokesman
4. One of Fox's "Married by America" finalists is already married; ratings in Utah skyrocket
5. Woman sues Michael Flatley charging him with rape; "Do you really think I would ever rape a WOMAN," asks the Lord of the Dance, before tapping off to the men's room to freshen up
6. Women with breast implants are 3 times more likely to kill themselves; 8 times more likely to dress in French Maid's costume
7. Supreme Court reviews library porn filters; Clarence Thomas keeps asking for more time to "deliberate" in his chambers
8. Neanderthals, homo sapiens didn't mix socially; Barely tolerated each other at the water cooler
9. Contraceptive sponge going back on the market; To help stop teen pregnancy, will also be released as "Contraceptive Sponge Bob Square Pants"
10.Amateur photo shows asteroid hitting moon; "that's not the kind of amateur photo I was hoping to see," gripes New Jersey Internet user
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