March 4th, 2003

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Last Week's News Headlines...

1. Iraq agrees to destroy missiles; "what say we blow them up over Kuwait," chuckles Saddam Hussein
2. Underage teens drink nearly 20% of the alcohol consumed in the US; Other 80% consumed by Yankee pitcher David Wells
3. Cost of the common cold to US economy put at $40 billion; Alarmed by the news, Bush vows to declare war on Iraq
4. Carrie-Anne Moss of "the Matrix" is expecting her first baby; delivery expected to be in super slow motion "bullet time" and marred by presence of anti-virus killer software 'bots
5. The "Lysistrata Project" asks women to withhold sex if there is a war; "And that will change my sex life exactly how?" wonders married New Jersey man
6. Dionne Warwick claims she was framed when authorities found marijuana in her bag; "Oh yes, it happens all the time," nods OJ Simpson sympathetically
7. NASA experts debated shuttle risks for over five days; Scientist who predicted it would blow up after troubles with the left wing wins $25 pool
8. Whole grain breakfast cereals cut heart disease by 20%; "What about Captain Crunch?" asks Italian-American man living in mother's basement
9. Hooters to start own airline; "Our organization has a long history defying gravity," says spokesman with Double D breasts and no bra
10.Airline security to assign color code to passengers; "White and Yellow are considered low threats," states official, "Brown people will be immediately searched"
  • Current Mood
    awake and amused