February 18th, 2003

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Last Weeks News Headlines....

1.Universe is 13.7 billion years old and will continue to expand forever, say scientists; "sounds like my wife," kvetches elderly Florida man
2.North Korean leader Kim Jong Il celebrates his 61st birthday; presented with "World's Greatest Stalinist Dictator" mug
3.First Vampire bat born in America; "Think of it as a tiny, flying baby lawyer," beams scientist
4.Researchers create one-minute stroke test; "Dude, I'm king of the one-minute stroke!" states competitive onanist from New Jersey
5.Space probe takes baby photo of Cosmos; can't get universe to smile
6.Barbara Walters gets OK to interview Robert Blake; Los Angeles man still awaiting permission to not watch it
7.Outlook for people with HIV still improving; "although many of the gay patients will continue to experience a pounding sensation in the ass"
8.Massive snowstorms paralyze the Northeast; "Oooooh, I feel soooo bad for them," says Christopher Reeves
9.North Korea vows to maintain its "mighty army-first policy"; as necessary corollary, its "impoverished citizens-last policy" will also continue
10.City of London to charge $8 fee to drive into its downtown; City of Newark to charge $8 fee to leave

1.Nicole Kidman says acting fills her with fear; "trust me, going to watch one of her films is not for the timid," snorts critic
Internet "chat rooms" are common place for arranging meetings for casual sexual encounters; "I have to respectfully disagree," types man in "CrownHeightsChessClub" room
2.Space probe takes baby photo of Cosmos; "It looks just like its father!" says Creationist grasping at straws
3.21 killed in rush to flee Chicago night club; "Somebody put on 'Men Without Hats!'" explains horrified clubgoer