April 9th, 2002

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Summary Of Last Week's News Headlines....

1.Milton Berle and Queen Elizabeth eliminated from Final Four; Bob Hope and the Pope advance to finals
2.Survey shows a serious decline in courtesy in America; "People kept telling me to fuck off," says pollster who called thousands during dinner time
3.Phil Donohue may return to television; Tom Ridge ups terror alert to code orange
4.Jury selection begins in Michael Skakel trial; defendant relaxed, was seen out clubbing last weekend
5.California HMOs to cover "morning after" pills; still will not cover "night before" cocktails
6.Americans warned to avoid traveling to Israel; "It's very Jewish," whispers President
7.New study finds that Americans are sleep deprived, recommends watching more UPN sitcoms
8.Prince Harry saddened by death of his role model, Dudley Moore, aka Arthur
9.Cybernetic brain implants may enable paralyzed people to control robot limbs through thought; "Mecha-StephenHawking" ultra war robot expected to rule planet with iron prosthesis for 1,000 years
10.Soda pop tax urged to help slim kids; "it's much easier than actually playing outdoors with them," notes legislator

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