Albert Sims (albert71292) wrote,
Albert Sims
albert71292

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Last Weeks Headlines

To keep those who don't watch the news updated on current events, here are the major headlines of the past week:

1. Farmer's Almanac predicts "snowy winter;" past predictions have included "rainy spring," and "hot summer"
2 .GFI recalls 717,000 pounds of ground beef; employees wary about upcoming Labor Day cook-out
3. Rare white-colored black bear declared off limits to hunters; sportsmen urged to hunt Michael Jackson instead
4. Ohio mom facing misdemeanor charges for allowing her 3 children to become severely sunburned; will discover pain of going without lotion while in prison
5 .Anthrax suspect Hatfill files complaint against attorney-general's handling of his case; clerk assigned to handle paperwork reportedly "less than thrilled"
6. Bronze Age had sophisticated knowledge of drugs; "But the inability to master rudimentary pizza delivery technology doomed it to failure," states archaeologist
7 ."Puppetry of the Penis" show opens in Los Angeles; "I've been performing that show in my bathroom everyday for the past 20 years," states unimpressed Angeleno
8. Utah Polygamist Tom Green could be sentenced jail for life; prospective cellmate looks forward to getting his 5th wife
9. Police catch Florida doctor planning to blow up mosques; "now if they could just catch the guys in mosques planning to blow up doctors, they'd be on to something," muses New Yorker
10. 1 in 32 adults in the United States were incarcerated last year; "I had no idea there were that many CEOs in America," states sociologist

SUPER BONUS HEADLINE

Japanese scientists are attempting to clone a woolly mammoth as an attraction for a new Wildlife Park; so far only able to produce considerably less-impressive "woorry mammoth."
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