amused1978: On Aug.16, music fans pause to honor the anniversary of the birth of Kool & the Gang's James "JT" Taylor.
1982: A 320-pound Elvis decides he wants to leave the building, discovers he can't.
1983: Richard Simmons rescues the King with a crane. "Thank you," Elvis says after he's freed. "Thank you very much."
1984: Elvis' title track propels the Footloose soundtrack to the top of the charts.
1986: Graceland is moved whole-hog to Branson,Mo., and renamed The Elvis Presley Burnin' Love Theater.
1990: Winner of annual Elvis-impersonation contest stripped of trophy after it's discovered he actually is Elvis. "I thought I had this one nailed," Presley later tells the Associated Press.
1992: During great postage stamp debate, an already divided nation is forced to choose among "slim Elvis","fat Elvis", or "really" fat Elvis." Project is eventually abandoned when someone points out that Elvis is still alive and therefore ineligible.
1994: When Lisa Marie marries Michael Jackson, Elvis rolls over in bed, not grave.
1996: Hungry? Try Elvis Presley Roasters!
2000: At a sparsely attended press conference, boy-band impresario Lou Pearlman announces he will take over Elvis' management. "He's like all five kids in one body!" exclaims Pearlman.
2001: To make it up to his former dad-in-law, Jacko casts Elvis, not Marlon Brando, in fat-old-guy role in "You Rock My World" video.
2002: Elvis makes Santana-style comeback album, featuring duets with Ja Rule, Alicia Keys, and Chuck D, with whom he does a remake of "Fight The Power". Chuck reluctantly changes the lyrics to "...and he always meant a lot to me."
1977-present: Reports of Elvis sightings dramatically increase.